Whew has it been awhile since I've last sat in front of my laptop and typed out a blog post!
This summer seems to have flown right by...all of the things I vowed to do - like studying for SATs, practicing math, applying for college scholarships, cleaning and organizing the house, etc. - obviously did not get done. Now that it's August and I start school on the 18th, I'm coming to terms with all of the things I did and didn't do during my summer. Of course, I had these grand plans of being some sort of ultra, super productive machine who prepared herself for junior year. In reality, I have a lot of unfinished tasks, I still haven't finished Driver's Ed to get my permit, I slept late and woke late, I binged my shows, I ate my ice cream, etc. etc. etc. The shame list just never ends.
But today, I'm realizing that I have 9 days left of my summer break. 9 precious days. I'd be crying if I didn't feel so numb typing this out. I know I sound like the most dramatic crybaby but there are just so many feelings of dread that I'm trying to combat surrounding this upcoming school year. For one, I spent an entire school year and a half staying all too comfortable behind a screen on zoom. Of course, there were so many aspects of that that were less than ideal, but for my introverted self, it was almost better than regular school (freshman year was not my favorite to say the least).
Spending practically every waking hour with my sister and parents during the pandemic has actually taught me a lot about myself and my family members and I feel closer to them in some ways. I've loved nothing more than spending all of this extra time with my sister who otherwise would've been away at college. I'm trying to come to terms with her moving back soon, but the 0 to 100 of having her home then away, then home, and away again during the pandem has been tough. So having to climb out of my hibernation cave and back to school with my sister being gone too just makes me feel so anxious and distressed. Yes I'm aware this should all be for therapy instead, but since I don't have that right now, this will be the next best bet lucky for you!
The other aspect is that I honestly don't really know who my friends are anymore. I know I sound like I'm in third grade lol but I was definitely feeling miserable at school everyday leading up to the pandem, then when school closed I didn't really stay in contact with most people. But I think it's normal and understandable that so many school-aged kids and probably adults as well, didn't talk and hang out with their friends during a global pandemic.
I think it's important to remember that most relationships and friend dynamics won't look the same and may take some time to reshuffle as we return to our regularly scheduled programming.
What makes me angry is how we're all expected to "go back to normal" as soon as covid cases have gone down. Of course I'm relieved and grateful that the current covid situation isn't the same as it was December 2020 *knock on wood*. This pandemic has affected everyone differently, and for those who are less fortunate, that is not a past tense statement. I just hope to god that people are giving each other grace and compassion as we all crawl back out into the world at our own pace.
Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there for anyone like myself who's feeling stressed, anxious, and even fearful about their return to in-person school, post pandemic. I imagine that the return to the workplace is just - if not more - challenging (my condolences to all of you). I knew I couldn't hide at home forever - I understand my place of privilege in terms of wanting to do school at home vs. in person - but this didn't stop me from dreading going back to school. I'm trying to remind myself that every year I always think This is gonna be the most difficult year because of _____. Only, it feels amplified this year — except that is what I tell myself every.single.time.
I feel like this post is just dragging on and on with my whining...so in an attempt to wrap it up, I just want to leave it at this:
No matter when you start school, your summer break is either coming to a close, or nearing a close. So, whatever you did or didn't do this summer before the school year decided to sneak up on you, just forgive yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but it's no use thinking about the time you "wasted" while wasting more of the time that's ahead of you.